Coping When Someone You Love is Deployed
By Susan Dunn

Having someone you love deployed, whether child, partner, relative or close friend, is extremely stressful. An article I wrote Called “Separation Protest Reactions” helped mothers whose sons were being deployed in Georgia. The newsletter editor wrote me, “It helps us understand why we’re acting like we are.” I’ll repeat some of the information here.

STRESS

When we must part with a loved one, particularly under uncertain circumstances, we have reactions that are physiological and emotional. These are largely beyond our control; however, our emotional intelligence skills can helps us manage them, and tame our reactions and responses. It starts with understanding and self-awareness.

PROTEST-DESPAIR

Studies of newborn separation from their mothers shows us the extremes of “protest-despair behavior.” When the infant is separated, the body reacts, pumping out stress hormones that affect the sympathetic nervous system, and certain somatic or muscular behaviors. There can be a ten-fold increase in gulcocoricoid levels (cortisol, the ‘stress hormone’), approaching neurotoxic levels (Modi and Glover, 1998) and there is a powerful inhibitory effect on all gastrointenstinal functions. Withdrawal, a slowed heart rate, and lower body temperture ensue, presumably attempts to “survive”, and the immune system is compromised. Some of the reactions are similar to depression.

Any separation from a loved one during our lifetime will mimic this reaction to separation, because we’re humans, because we love, because we bond.

At the same time, if the person being deployed is your lover, you’ll be deprived of the oxytocin. According to “The Alchemy of Love and Lust,” by Dr. Theresa L. Crenshaw, touching or even thinking about someone you love releases this hormone. It feels wonderful and keeps us bonded.

The price we pay is that separation is painful.

WHAT TO EXPECT

Expect, first of all, that nothing anyone tells you will be helpful, and may, in fact make you angry, including what I say in this article. What you want to hear is that it’s all a joke, it isn’t happening, and anything short of that won’t work.

That having been said, I go forward with what you must deal with :

• It is normal feel like you’re going nuts.
• It is normal to cry a lot.
• It is normal to have trouble making even the smallest decision.
• It is normal to experience changes in appetite; food tastes like cardboard.
• It is normal to experience sleep difficulties – sleeping fitfully for short periods, of wanting to sleep all day and night.
• It is normal to feel angry.
• It is normal to kick the kitchen stool that’s in your way and be unable to talk about what’s really going on.
• It’s normal to experience rage at the ineptitude of people who try to console you, give advice, support, or encourage.

Susan Dunn, The EQ Coach, offers positive psychology coaching and Internet courses in emotional intelligence, optimism, strengths and resilience. She has EQ products available for licensing for individuals and businesses. She is the author of numerous ebooks, is widely published on the Internet, and a regular speaker for cruise lines.