Relationships and Life's Lessons
Robert Elias Najemy

When we do not get what we want from our relationships, we  often feel hurt, abused, rejected, disappointed, bitter and  angry.

We then have a choice to remain in our negativity or seek to use  this as an opportunity for learning more about ourselves and  contacting a deeper source of security, self-worth, inner  fulfillment and love within ourselves.

Below are some examples of behaviors, which might bother us and  thus contain some possible lessons for us. (The use of any gender is arbitrary and could be otherwise.)

a. When she criticizes me.

b. When he does not respond to my request or needs.

c. When she asks me many questions.

d. When he shouts and accuses.

e. When she plays the role of victim and cries.

f. When she blames me for what has happened.

g. When he ignores me.

h. When he doesn't listen to me.

i. When he looks at other women.

j. When she is not conscientious about our agreements or  responsibilities.

k. When he does not agree with me.

l. When he does not pay attention to me when I talk.

m. When she is late for our appointment.

n. When he doesn't help out with the cleanliness.

o. When he tells lies.

p. When they ignore my needs.

q. When they gossips.

r. When he does not tell me what he is feeling.

s. When she complains too much.

t. When he thinks he knows it all and does not listen to my  point of view.

u. When she gives me advice I have not asked for.

v. When he threatens me that he will leave.

w. When he does not take care of himself or does not do his  share.

x. When the other is weak and dependent.

z. Other_______________________

What is the Lesson?

We seek happiness, security, affirmation, love and fulfillment  in our relationships. When these needs are not satisfied, the  ultimate question is "what is my lesson here?" "How can I  recreate my happiness, love and peace?"

The key to discovering what we need to learn is the faith that  everything that happens to us is a result of processes called  mirroring, sympathetic attunement, resonance or projection.

Our beliefs, emotions, expectations, fears and behaviors are  mirroring, reflecting, projecting or resonating in our external  world attracting the behaviors and events which we experience.

Those events, behaviors or situations that cause us to feel  unpleasant feelings are specifically mirroring parts of  ourselves which are ripe and ready to be transformed.

This is a very powerful tool for self-discovery because it gives  us a very clear understanding of what we need to change while  simultaneously freeing us from negative feelings towards the  others. We realize that we ourselves attract the behaviors and  events that create our reality. It is through exactly those  stimuli that we will be motivated to evolve out of our old  limiting beliefs into new beliefs, more aligned with the truths  of our real spiritual nature.

Some readers might not be able to accept these basic tenants.  This life-philosophy is based on the following basic tenants.

1. We are immortal, inherently divine beings in a process of  evolution.

2. We are totally responsible for the reality we experience.

3. We evolve and mature emotionally and spiritually through a  learning process stimulated and sometimes forced upon us by  life's events and circumstances, and to a great degree, others?  behaviors.

4. Unpleasant events and circumstances are always opportunities  for growth. We also learn from pleasant events and  circumstances.

5. There are four factors within us, which attract these life  stimuli and create our subjective reality:

a. Our past actions and behaviors.

b. Our present beliefs, emotions, expectations, behaviors,  fears, guilt, attachments, internal conflicts and roles we play.

c. The specific lessons we have come to learn as souls in  evolution.

d. How we interpret events and behaviors.

6. There are four areas of our lives through which we receive  most of our lessons:

a. Our close relationships

b. Our health and physical appearance.

c. Our work environment.

d. Various events such as accidents, marriage, divorce,  loss, gain, war, natural disasters and changes in general.

7. Most often our lessons are to be found in events,  circumstances or behaviors which bother us, which are not to our  satisfaction, or are painful to us.

8. The lessons we need to learn in these areas can be varied and  multiple but fall the following general categories:

a. To transform our conscious and subconscious beliefs.

b. To change our attitudes and behavior.

c. To communicate more clearly, assertively and effectively.

d. To change our way of life.

e. To make efforts to improve the world around us.

9. In general, our lessons involve transforming beliefs and fall  into categories:

a. Beliefs which we need to change in order to cease  attracting or creating a situation, which bothers us.

b. Beliefs which we need to transform in order to be able to  accept the situation exactly as it is.

c. Beliefs which we need to change in order to communicate  more effectively with others concerning what is happening.

d. Beliefs which we need to transform in order to be able to  actively improve or change the external situation.

Some examples below will help us understand this.

SOME EXAMPLES OF POSSIBLE LESSONS

a. If, as a soul, I need to learn to gain self-confidence, it  would be only natural to create a situation in which my  personality could not find external support, thus forcing me to  learn to depend upon myself.

b. If I need to learn self-acceptance, then it would be natural  for me, as a soul, to create a situation in which I pass through  a period of not being accepted by the others, so as to develop  an inner base for my self-acceptance.

c. If I have chosen to overcome a fear, then the obvious way to  do this would be to subconsciously create or attract exactly  what I fear, so that I may overcome it.

d. If I need to overcome an aspect of my character such as  selfishness, what better way to see my selfishness, than to  confront it in others.

Mirroring and Projecting

There is a small difference between mirroring and projecting.  When another's behavior "mirrors" something inside us, that  means that there is a resonance and that the other is behaving  in a way which reflects some of our beliefs, emotions or  expectations. There is a silent resonance between us, which  causes the other to mirror the some of our aspects.

"Projection" means that we are seeing things in the other's  behavior, which are not there, at least not to the extent that  we see them. We are subjectively interpreting and often  magnifying aspects of the other's behavior so that we "project"  on to his or her behavior our own beliefs, needs, fears,  emotions and expectations, and guilt.

Robert Elias Najemy is the Founder and director of the Center for Harmonious  Living in Greece with 3700 members. His book The Psychology of Happiness is available at http://www.amazon.com