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Humor: Great Thinkers of Our Time

Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?

Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever."

-- Miss Alabama in the
1994 Miss USA contest

"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that but not with all those flies and death and stuff."

-- Mariah Carey

"Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana. The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two, but I can't remember what they are."

-- Matt Lauer on NBC's Today show, August 22

"I haven't committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the law."

-- David Dinkins, New York City Mayor,
answering accusations that he failed to pay his taxes.

"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life."

-- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become
spokesperson for a federal anti-smoking campaign

"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body."

-- Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward

"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country."

-- Former Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, D.C.

"We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees."

-- Jason Kidd, upon his drafting to the Dallas Mavericks

"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president."

-- Hillary Clinton commenting on
the release of subpoenaed documents

"China is a big country, inhabited by many Chinese."

-- Former French President Charles De Gaulle

"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it."

-- A congressional candidate in Texas

"When I have been asked during these last weeks who caused the riots and the killing in L.A., my answer has been direct and simple:

Who is to blame for the riots? The rioters are to blame.
Who is to blame for the killings? The killers are to blame."

-- Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle
on the complex social issues behind the Los Angeles Riots

"I don't feel we did wrong in taking this great country away from them. There were great numbers of people who needed new land, and the Indians were selfishly trying to keep it for themselves."

-- John Wayne

"Half this game is ninety percent mental."

-- Philadelphia Phillies manager Danny Ozark

"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."

-- Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle

"Without censorship, things can get terribly confused in the public mind."

-- General William Westmoreland

"It's like changing the rules in the middle of the stream."

-- Rev. Jesse Jackson

"I don't know of anyone who wants this to be over more than me, except maybe everyone else in America."

-- President William Jefferson Clinton

"What a waste it is to lose one's mind. Or not to have a mind is being very wasteful. How true that is."

-- Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle

"If you let that sort of thing go on, your bread and butter will be cut right out from under your feet."

-- Former British foreign minister Ernest Bevin

"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix."

-- Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle