STUDENT: Seven.

TEACHER: How old will you be on your next birthday?

STUDENT: Nine.

TEACHER: That's impossible.

STUDENT: No, it isn't, Teacher. I'm eight today.

TEACHER: George, go to the map and find North America.

GEORGE: Here it is!

TEACHER: Correct. Now, class, who discovered America?

CLASS: George!

WILLY: Me!

SUBSTITUTE TEACHER: Are you chewing gum?

BILLY: No, I'm Billy Anderson.

TEACHER: Alfred, how can one person make so many stupid mistakes in one day?

ALFRED: I get up early.

TEACHER: Didn't you promise to behave?

STUDENT: Yes, Sir.

TEACHER: And didn't I promise to punish you if you didn't?

STUDENT: Yes, Sir, but since I broke my promise, I don't expect you to keep yours.

TEACHER: Tommy, why do you always get so dirty?

TOMMY: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.

HAROLD: Teacher, would you punish me for something I didn't do?

TEACHER: Of course not.

HAROLD: Good, because I didn't do my homework.

TEACHER: Why are you late?

WEBSTER: Because of the sign.

TEACHER: What sign?

WEBSTER: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow."

TEACHER: I hope I didn't see you looking at Don's paper.

JOHN: I hope you didn't either.

GARY: I don't think I deserve a zero on this test.

TEACHER: I agree, but it's the lowest mark I can give you.

MOTHER: Why did you get such a low mark on that test?

JUNIOR: Because of absence.

MOTHER: You mean you were absent on the day of the test?

JUNIOR: No, but the kid who sits next to me was.

SILVIA: Dad, can you write in the dark?

FATHER: I think so. What do you want me to write?

SYLVIA: Your name on this report card.

TEACHER: Well, at least there's one thing I can say about your son.

FATHER: What's that?

TEACHER: With grades like these, he couldn't be cheating.

TEACHER: In this box, I have a 10-foot snake.

SAMMY: You can't fool me, Teacher... snakes don't have feet.

HYGIENE TEACHER: How can you prevent diseases caused by biting insects?

JOSE: Don't bite any.

TEACHER: Ellen, give me a sentence starting with "I".

ELLEN: I is...

TEACHER: No, Ellen. Always say, "I am."

ELLEN: All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."

TEACHER: Max, use "defeat," "defense," and "detail" in a sentence.

MAX: The rabbit cut across the field, and defeat went over defense before detail.

MOTHER: Why on earth did you swallow the money I gave you?

JUNIOR : You said it was my lunch money.

TEACHER: If you received $10 from 10 people, what would you get?

SASHA: A new bike.

TEACHER: If you had one dollar and you asked your father for another, how many dollars would you have?

VINCENT: One dollar.

TEACHER (sadly): You don't know your arithmetic.

VINCENT (sadly): You don't know my father.

TEACHER: If I had seven oranges in one hand and eight oranges in the other, what would I have?

CLASS COMEDIAN: Big hands!

BOY: Isn't the principal a dummy!

GIRL: Say, do you know who I am?

BOY: No.

GIRL: I'm the principal's daughter.

BOY: And do you know who I am?

GIRL: No.

BOY: Thank goodness!