Relationships and Life's Lessons
Robert Elias Najemy
When we do not get what we want from our relationships, we
often feel hurt, abused, rejected, disappointed, bitter and
We then have a choice to remain in our negativity or seek to use
this as an opportunity for learning more about ourselves and
contacting a deeper source of security, self-worth, inner
fulfillment and love within ourselves.
Below are some examples of behaviors, which might bother us and
thus contain some possible lessons for us. (The use of any gender is arbitrary and could be otherwise.)
a. When she criticizes me.
b. When he does not respond to my request or needs.
c. When she asks me many questions.
d. When he shouts and accuses.
e. When she plays the role of victim and cries.
f. When she blames me for what has happened.
g. When he ignores me.
h. When he doesn't listen to me.
i. When he looks at other women.
j. When she is not conscientious about our agreements or
k. When he does not agree with me.
l. When he does not pay attention to me when I talk.
m. When she is late for our appointment.
n. When he doesn't help out with the cleanliness.
o. When he tells lies.
p. When they ignore my needs.
q. When they gossips.
r. When he does not tell me what he is feeling.
s. When she complains too much.
t. When he thinks he knows it all and does not listen to my
point of view.
u. When she gives me advice I have not asked for.
v. When he threatens me that he will leave.
w. When he does not take care of himself or does not do his
x. When the other is weak and dependent.
What is the Lesson?
We seek happiness, security, affirmation, love and fulfillment
in our relationships. When these needs are not satisfied, the
ultimate question is "what is my lesson here?" "How can I
recreate my happiness, love and peace?"
The key to discovering what we need to learn is the faith that
everything that happens to us is a result of processes called
mirroring, sympathetic attunement, resonance or projection.
Our beliefs, emotions, expectations, fears and behaviors are
mirroring, reflecting, projecting or resonating in our external
world attracting the behaviors and events which we experience.
Those events, behaviors or situations that cause us to feel
unpleasant feelings are specifically mirroring parts of
ourselves which are ripe and ready to be transformed.
This is a very powerful tool for self-discovery because it gives
us a very clear understanding of what we need to change while
simultaneously freeing us from negative feelings towards the
others. We realize that we ourselves attract the behaviors and
events that create our reality. It is through exactly those
stimuli that we will be motivated to evolve out of our old
limiting beliefs into new beliefs, more aligned with the truths
of our real spiritual nature.
Some readers might not be able to accept these basic tenants.
This life-philosophy is based on the following basic tenants.
1. We are immortal, inherently divine beings in a process of
2. We are totally responsible for the reality we experience.
3. We evolve and mature emotionally and spiritually through a
learning process stimulated and sometimes forced upon us by
life's events and circumstances, and to a great degree, others?
4. Unpleasant events and circumstances are always opportunities
for growth. We also learn from pleasant events and
5. There are four factors within us, which attract these life
stimuli and create our subjective reality:
a. Our past actions and behaviors.
b. Our present beliefs, emotions, expectations, behaviors,
fears, guilt, attachments, internal conflicts and roles we play.
c. The specific lessons we have come to learn as souls in
d. How we interpret events and behaviors.
6. There are four areas of our lives through which we receive
most of our lessons:
a. Our close relationships
b. Our health and physical appearance.
c. Our work environment.
d. Various events such as accidents, marriage, divorce,
loss, gain, war, natural disasters and changes in general.
7. Most often our lessons are to be found in events,
circumstances or behaviors which bother us, which are not to our
satisfaction, or are painful to us.
8. The lessons we need to learn in these areas can be varied and
multiple but fall the following general categories:
a. To transform our conscious and subconscious beliefs.
b. To change our attitudes and behavior.
c. To communicate more clearly, assertively and effectively.
d. To change our way of life.
e. To make efforts to improve the world around us.
9. In general, our lessons involve transforming beliefs and fall
a. Beliefs which we need to change in order to cease
attracting or creating a situation, which bothers us.
b. Beliefs which we need to transform in order to be able to
accept the situation exactly as it is.
c. Beliefs which we need to change in order to communicate
more effectively with others concerning what is happening.
d. Beliefs which we need to transform in order to be able to
actively improve or change the external situation.
Some examples below will help us understand this.
SOME EXAMPLES OF POSSIBLE LESSONS
a. If, as a soul, I need to learn to gain self-confidence, it
would be only natural to create a situation in which my
personality could not find external support, thus forcing me to
learn to depend upon myself.
b. If I need to learn self-acceptance, then it would be natural
for me, as a soul, to create a situation in which I pass through
a period of not being accepted by the others, so as to develop
an inner base for my self-acceptance.
c. If I have chosen to overcome a fear, then the obvious way to
do this would be to subconsciously create or attract exactly
what I fear, so that I may overcome it.
d. If I need to overcome an aspect of my character such as
selfishness, what better way to see my selfishness, than to
confront it in others.
Mirroring and Projecting
There is a small difference between mirroring and projecting.
When another's behavior "mirrors" something inside us, that
means that there is a resonance and that the other is behaving
in a way which reflects some of our beliefs, emotions or
expectations. There is a silent resonance between us, which
causes the other to mirror the some of our aspects.
"Projection" means that we are seeing things in the
behavior, which are not there, at least not to the extent that
we see them. We are subjectively interpreting and often
magnifying aspects of the other's behavior so that we "project"
on to his or her behavior our own beliefs, needs, fears,
emotions and expectations, and guilt.
Robert Elias Najemy is the Founder and director of the Center for Harmonious
Living in Greece with 3700 members. His book The Psychology of Happiness is available at