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Twelve Steps To Co-Commitment
By Robert Najemy

We can move towards a conscious love relationship by committing ourselves to consciously working towards that goal. We need to clearly understand what we kind of relationship we want to create and be willing to commit ourselves to that goal. This means choosing to work on ourselves rather than falling back into unconscious behavior patterns.

These twelve commitments free us to love our partner consciously without games and fears.

1. I Consciously Commit Myself To Being As Open And United As Possible With You And To Removing From Myself Anything, Which Obstructs That Openness.

We chose to observe ourselves and discover when we are closing up, when we do not feel united with or open to the other and to work on getting free from any fears or mechanisms which obstruct our feelings of love and unity with the other.

2. I Consciously Commit Myself To Participating Fully In My Personal Development And Spiritual Evolution.

Our relationship is a basic part of our growth process. We grow, learn and evolve through our conscious contact with the other. We choose support each other in our growth process and will not allow this relationship to stunt our growth. We are simultaneously committed to the relationship and to evolving into better persons. The relationship should not obstruct growth and our growth should not separate us.

This is important because in many cases, we allow our relationships to impede our dedication to our inner growth and at others we allow our spiritual efforts to alienate us from our loved one. We need to harmoniously combine these two aspects of our lives.

3. I Consciously Commit Myself To Telling All The Truth In Every Situation.

Only through truth can we create a love that is live and flowing. As long as we are not totally truthful, then we are living in fear. Perhaps we fear the otherís rejection or anger.

A conscious love relationship will eventually arrive to the level of inner security and self-acceptance so that we can tell and hear the truth without being hurt or offended. True love means being able to accept the other along with all his or her feelings and needs. True love means being able to share our inner world without fear.

Some symptoms revealing that we are hiding feelings or thoughts might be:

1. We may experience frequent headaches, a blockage in the throat are or a tensed jaw.

2. We may have difficulty in breathing.

3. There may be tension in the abdominal area or in the arms.

4. We may find ourselves avoiding the other.

5. We might be annoyed by the otherís questions.

6. We might find ourselves getting upset with the other for small unimportant reasons, which release pent up feelings that have nothing to do with the event that we are getting upset about.

Self-acceptance is a basic prerequisite to being able to recognize, accept an express our emotions.

4. I Consciously Commit Myself To Empowering You In Every Way And Helping You Manifest Your Latent Potential.

Many relationships become antagonistic and competitive in which each tries to be better or more right than the other is. This is a result of our self-doubt and our need to verify of self-worth by being more right, more capable or more successful than the other is. This leads to jealousy and an inability to support or empower the other in his or her efforts. We fear the otherís success and power.

By committing ourselves to this ideal, we free ourselves from this unfortunate situation. We help the other to blossom and enjoy his or her successes. We help and support each other in our goals and efforts and rejoice in our successes.

5. I Consciously Commit Myself To Taking 100% Responsibility For The Reality I Create Through My Interpretations And Projections.

We usually seek to blame others for our unhappiness or mistakes. We find it difficult to accept responsibility for what we feel and create in our lives. We seek to avoid accepting our own failings and mistakes.

This commitment is perhaps one of the most difficult to employ. We need now to take full responsibility for every emotion we feel and every reality we create. The truth behind this fact may be difficult to understand at first.

We have learned that our feelings are created by what others do and what happens in our lives. The reality is, however, that what others do or say or what happens are only the stimuli which trigger our programmings and beliefs. Our beliefs create our emotions. We interpret events according to what we believe about ourselves and others. Those interpretations create our emotional reality.

One of us may interpret what is happening as threatening or demeaning, while another may see it as positive or pleasant and still another as indifferent. For example someone burping at a meal would be considered rude and inconsiderate to a European, whereas an Arab might consider it a compliment to how good the meal was. An Indian might not even hear it, as it is considered simply a natural bodily function. Who is right? Each creates a different reality with the same stimulus or event.

Only we can create a new reality for ourselves. We can do so by discovering and transforming the beliefs and attachments, which are creating our unhappiness. A relationship is an ideal school for this process. Details on how this can be done are given in the book Psychology of Happiness.

6. I Consciously Commit Myself To Being Happy Together In This Relationship.

The possibility that we might not want to be happy may seem strange at first. But detailed examination will show that we usually cannot stand too much happiness for a long time. We have been programmed that after happiness there will be pain. There are even phrases we use so as not to attract problems when we admit that things are actually going well. We say, "knock on wood, everything is fine."

Secondly, many of us are in the role of the victim "poor me" and therefore cannot admit happiness or else we no longer be "poor meís". We also need to complain, criticize and blame in order to establish our self-worth. How can we do that if we admit that we are happy and that everything is fine? There is also a fear of the unknown, of appearing silly or of not being serious. Often when one is very high and happy the other becomes serious, thus bringing him or her "down" to being a serious adult.

Some might also fear the intensity of emotions, which occur when we are both very happy and admitting it and allowing ourselves to laugh and play and enjoy each other as two young children.

We manage to avoid high states of energy and happiness in some of the following ways:

a. By being unable to accept of hear positive messages from others. We discard what they say as simply having nothing to do with us.

b. We remain attached to the past or future and seldom experience the present moment.

c. We cultivate worry thoughts that make us unhappy. We think of everything that has gone wrong or could go wrong.

d. We criticize and reject ourselves and others.

e. We create arguments or conflicts so as to destroy our happiness.

f. We unconsciously lock into various matters or situations so as to avoid experiencing the happiness of the present.

g. We avoid and conceal our feelings, both positive ad negative.

h. We do things that we know will upset the other, like be late, ignore our agreements etc.

Some ways in which we can start to get used to being happy and having high energy with someone are:

a. We can learn to give space to the other to be alone when he or she needs it, and can take our space when we need it.

b. We can begin to tell the truth and hide nothing in. Holding the truth dulls the relationship.

c. Deep breathing and dance can help free up our energy.

d. Holding, hugging, caressing, touch, massage and affection can increase our energy level significantly.

e. We can learn to express our needs rather than complain.

f. The ultimate solution is to allow our beliefs to evolve and realize that we are expressions of divinity and that we have every right to happiness and creative ecstasy.

g. The key to happiness is to love and accept ourselves and others as we are, and realize that we deserve happiness.

7. I Consciously Commit Myself To Learning To Love You And Myself Unconditionally.

As you probably have understood this is the foundation of any conscious love relationship. The subject of accepting others is discussed in a previous chapter while the subject of accepting ourselves is discussed in "The Psychology of Happiness".

8. I Consciously Commit Myself To Learning To Feel And Share My Emotions With You Without Blaming You And To Being Able To Listen To Your Emotions Without Taking Them Personally.

Many of us have lost the ability to know and express what we feel. This becomes a major obstacle in our exchange of love and energy. Being cut off from our real feelings, we are also cutting the other off from important parts of our being.

Another problem is that, not knowing what we really feel, we confront the other with the wrong emotions, which confuse him and create unnecessary conflicts. For example a man who does not recognize his fear expresses anger and his wife feels abused and hurt, for she has done nothing which warrants his anger. But her husband cannot express his fear.

His wife may not be able to accept her anger or sexual feelings and thus goes into depression, something he cannot understand, since she has "everything she needs" to be happy.

These problems cannot be solved until we are able to know what we feel and are able to express it. Of course, we want to learn to take responsibility for what we feel so that, when we share it with the other, we do not blame or criticize, but simply inform him or her about what is going on within us. How can we begin to know what we are feeling?

a. We can take time, be still and begin to feel what is going on in the body.

b. We allow our consciousness to flow into the various parts of the body and notice where we hold tension. Tension is a sign of pent up emotions.

c. We then go deeper and feel those emotions behind those superficial ones. For example we might feel anger and below that, hurt or fear which are causing the anger.

d. We can then get in touch with the needs and beliefs, which are creating those feelings.

e. We then accept and take responsibility for the feelings we are creating.

f. While accepting the part of ourselves which feels that way, we can also mentally send love and light to that part of our being - physical and mental.

g. Allow this love and light to heal that part of our being.

h. We then share our feelings, needs and beliefs with the other without criticism or blame.

9. I Consciously Commit Myself To Being Self Sufficient And Whole Unto Myself.

We often mistake love with attachment, fear, need and dependency. Love comes from strength and the assurance that we will be fine with or without the other. Only then can our love be pure and free from need or fear. The moment we need something from the other, and he or she cannot give that to us, our security and love are diminished, especially if we believe that the other could and should give this to us.

When we need something from the other, we tend to change who we are in order to get what we need, perhaps playing the roles of intimidator, interrogator, victim, or aloof. These roles are the opposite of love and truth.

Only when we can be independent, can we really love unconditionally. We will be with the other because we want to be and not out of fear, loneliness or emptiness.

One part of experiencing our self-sufficiency within a relationship is to recognize our mutual needs to be alone occasionally. This is often taboo in many relationships. Some programmings that make this unthinkable are:

1. If she really loved me, she would not want to be alone or want to do something by herself or with others.

2. If I want time for myself, I am a bad partner.

3. A couple which does not do everything together is not in love.

Shakespeare has written, "Absence makes the heart grow fonder." We begin to appreciate our loved one even more after a little space from him or her.

It is true, however, that being apart can also be an excuse for people who are afraid of getting close to the other. It may be a form of avoidance or even revenge. Thus we must have discrimination. Too much absence may starve a relationship, and too little make suffocate it.

Some indications that we need some space might be the following:

1. Avoiding contact with our partner.

2. Avoiding eye contact.

3. Watching a lot of TV or being otherwise occupied.

4. Not paying attention to what the other is saying.

5. Being over occupied with our work or other activities.

6. Ensuring that others will be around continuously.

7. Criticizing, blaming or arguing frequently.

If we find ourselves engaging frequently in these types of behavior, we may need to discuss this with our partner and see how we can both renew ourselves, so that we can be more positive and attentive when we are together. A few hours of attentive contact will give us much more pleasure than days of being together while being closed into ourselves.

10. I Consciously Commit Myself To Keeping My Agreements With You.

There is no surer way to lose someoneís trust than to ignore our agreements and promises. This is an absolute in any conscious love relationship. Better to avoid making agreements that we may not be able to keep. And when we have made a promise, which we see, will be difficult to manifest, better to discuss this with the other, rather than ignore it.

In cases where we observe that we are frequently delinquent on our agreements, we may want analyze what subconscious programming may be obstructing us.

a. We may fear losing our freedom.

b. We might have negative feelings towards the other.

c. We may be testing the otherís love.

d. We may have adopted the role of the bad boy or girl and are keeping up our reputation.

e. We may have needs which we are unable to admit to the other and thus make agreements, which our needs then prevent us from keeping.

11. I Consciously Commit Myself To Learning To Communicate Effectively

This method of communication is discussed in other chapters.

12. I Consciously Commit Myself To Cultivating My Relationships With God

Our relationship with the Divine is a tremendous source of inner security and inner strength, which will allow us to love the other without being dependent on him or her. We can take from our inner relationship with God and be in a position to give to others, without needing to receive from them. This very important aspect of self-transformation will not be discussed in this book. It is extensively presented in the books Universal Philosophy and The Art of Meditation.

(The basic ideas of this section are inspired by the work of Gay and Katherine Hendricks)

From the book "Relationships of Conscious Love" by Robert Elias Najemy

Robert Elias Najemy, a life coach with 30 years of experience, has created a L i f e C o a c h T r a i n i n g Course over the Internet. Info at: http://www.HolisticHarmony.com/introholisticcoach.asp He is the author of over 20 books, 600 articles and 400 lecture cassettes on Human Harmony. His book The Psychology of Happiness is available at http://www.amazon.com/

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