SUBSTITUTE TEACHER: Are you chewing gum?
BILLY: No, I'm Billy Anderson.
TEACHER: Alfred, how can one person make so many
stupid mistakes in one day?
ALFRED: I get up early.
TEACHER: Didn't you promise to behave?
STUDENT: Yes, Sir.
TEACHER: And didn't I promise to punish you if you
STUDENT: Yes, Sir, but since I broke my promise, I
don't expect you to keep yours.
TEACHER: Tommy, why do you always get so dirty?
TOMMY: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than
HAROLD: Teacher, would you punish me for something
I didn't do?
TEACHER: Of course not.
HAROLD: Good, because I didn't do my homework.
TEACHER: Why are you late?
WEBSTER: Because of the sign.
TEACHER: What sign?
WEBSTER: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go
TEACHER: I hope I didn't see you looking at Don's
JOHN: I hope you didn't either.
GARY: I don't think I deserve a zero on this test.
TEACHER: I agree, but it's the lowest mark I can
MOTHER: Why did you get such a low mark on that
JUNIOR: Because of absence.
MOTHER: You mean you were absent on the day of the
JUNIOR: No, but the kid who sits next to me was.
SILVIA: Dad, can you write in the dark?
FATHER: I think so. What do you want me to write?
SYLVIA: Your name on this report card.
TEACHER: Well, at least there's one thing I can
say about your son.
FATHER: What's that?
TEACHER: With grades like these, he couldn't be
TEACHER: In this box, I have a 10-foot snake.
SAMMY: You can't fool me, Teacher... snakes don't
HYGIENE TEACHER: How can you prevent diseases
caused by biting insects?
JOSE: Don't bite any.
TEACHER: Ellen, give me a sentence starting with
ELLEN: I is...
TEACHER: No, Ellen. Always say, "I am."
ELLEN: All right... "I am the ninth letter of
TEACHER: Max, use "defeat,"
"defense," and "detail" in a sentence.
MAX: The rabbit cut across the field, and defeat
went over defense before detail.
MOTHER: Why on earth did you swallow the money I
JUNIOR : You said it was my lunch money.
TEACHER: If you received $10 from 10 people, what
would you get?
SASHA: A new bike.
TEACHER: If you had one dollar and you asked your
father for another, how many dollars would you have?
VINCENT: One dollar.
TEACHER (sadly): You don't know your arithmetic.
VINCENT (sadly): You don't know my father.
TEACHER: If I had seven oranges in one hand and
eight oranges in the other, what would I have?
CLASS COMEDIAN: Big hands!
BOY: Isn't the principal a dummy!
GIRL: Say, do you know who I am?
GIRL: I'm the principal's daughter.
BOY: And do you know who I am?
BOY: Thank goodness!