[Important: This is humor and not medical or health advice. Enjoy
Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't
waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up
your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can
extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer?
Take a nap.
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay
and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more
than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system.
Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass
(green leafy vegetable) and a pork chop can give you 100% of your
recommended daily allowance of vegetable slop.
Q: Is beer or wine bad for me?
A: Look, it goes to the earlier point about fruits and vegetables. As
we all know, scientists divide everything in the world into three
categories: animal, mineral, and vegetable. We all know that beer and
wine are not animal, and they are not on the periodic table of elements,
so that only leaves one thing, right? My advice: Have a burger and a
beer and enjoy your liquid vegetables.
Q: How can I calculate my body:fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body, and you have body fat, your ratio is one
to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: You're not listening. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil.
In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables
be bad for you? And frying kills all the bacteria.
Q: What's the secret to healthy eating?
A: Thicker gravy.
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You
should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO? Cocoa beans... another vegetable! and it is
good for keeping and enhancing the 'brown' without spending all the time
in the sun and catching skin cancer.
Q. Being a 'couch potato' bad for you?
A: That's old theory. Sitting around and watching TV makes your hip
muscles stronger and hips smaller (because it remains pressed all the
time, people who walk a lot, their hips get inflated because of all the
Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had
about food and diets. Have a cookie... flour is a veggie! One more
thing: When life hands you lemons, ask for a bottle of tequila and some
Be thankful for your blessings!