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Why Sports are a Sexual Substitute For Men
by Sopan Greene, M.A.

Sex sells. Nothing new there right? But have you noticed the sex in sports?

Why are so many men, and quite a few women, self proclaimed fanatics about sports? Why are some men more dedicated to a sports team whose members change radically from season to season than they are to the women they date or marry?...It's the sex my friend.

I wonder about such things. I'm a natural born wonderer who has never been attracted to sports. When I'm asked what my favorite sport is the answer has always been "reading." Though it's not actually a sport, it's what I spend every free minute I have doing. So in my own warped world it's the only answer to that question for me.

This has made me ultra curious about why almost every man I meet is obsessed with at least one sport. Men talk about ESPN's "Sports Zone" as if it were the daily televised version of the Bible. Therefore, I have always wondered, "What's up with that?"

The answer has finally revealed itself to me. As with most obsessions in our culture today, the answer is sex.

What is it that people feel a rush of conquering something when they penetrate hoops, nets, end zones and small holes in the ground? Why do fans get excited when "their" team scores and upset when a different team scores? Why are fans possessive about their teams and obsessive about their team's "performance?"

First of all notice that the winners of every sport are the ones who are the most virile. The ones who express the most strength in order to "score" the most points( or digits - just like being able to capture a girls number in order to "score"). Second of all the most popular sports all involve balls and quite often the ball is hit by a phallic shaped bat, club or stick. Finally, the object of the sport is generally to use force to penetrate the ball into or through a net, hoop, end zone or cup.

After noticing these three aspects of sportsmanship is it any wonder that men race to the finish line when having sex? The first one to finish in sports is the winner. Women don't usually agree that the first one to finish in sex is the winner though, do they? As men we are still doing our best to learn this, but biology is against us.

By looking at how the "games" are played and what excites sports fans we can see the sex in sports.

Here's the evidence:

Golf - The person who can hit the ball into the cup with the least amount of "strokes" is the winner. This is the closest sport to making love instead of sex because it takes time, skill and precision. Besides being able to hit the ball the farthest, what counts the most is actually hit the ball fewer times than the other guy.

Basketball - Winning requires strength, sweat, running the fastest and pushing the ball through the hoop the most times. The crowd favorite is slam dunking which is the equivalent of "Wham, bam, thank you ma'am." There's plenty of skin on skin contact also.

Football - Points are scored when one man throws the ball through the end zone and another receives it. The score can also grow larger by penetrating the end zone by running or rushing the ball in. Another way to score is to kick the ball through the field goal posts which have an opening between them. Then there's the occasional dog pile and lots of running, chasing, pushing and tackling. Oh yeah, don't forget the cheerleaders.

This sport is similar to how most people learn to have sex. In the early part of the game there are short bursts of action, lots of timeouts and it takes the guys awhile to figure out the best way to make it down the field to score.

Baseball - The object is use a bat to hit a ball as hard and far as possible. Who grew up not talking to their friends about only getting to second base when they really wanted to hit a home run so they could score? 'Nuff said.

Hockey - Guys with big sticks hit a puck as hard as possible to nail it into the net. The crowd favorite is the slap shot. This is the sport closest to rough sex. It's all about speed and penetration. And you know everyone who's playing is gonna get hurt at least a little and someone's gonna start a fight.

Gymnastics - Simply watch a balance beam routine and see what thoughts arise. Then you can move onto the trampoline, floor routines, tumbling and finish with what goes on between the parallel bars. Imagine what an amazing night it would be at your house if you made it through all those routines with the object of your affection!

Wrestling - Don't even get me started.

Are you getting the picture? Sports are filled with underlying sexual tension and sexual expression. Do you understand why some men are more focused on the game on TV than the games in his bedroom? Sports are a subconscious sexual outlet.

Ladies, if you're having trouble getting your man aroused, simply suit up, get out on the field and let the games begin! (Unplugging the TV might not hurt either).

2003 Red To Greene, Inc. All Rights Reserved.

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